


how do you get that lonely (and nobody knows?)

by parkrstark



Series: Whumptober 2020 [11]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Hurt Peter Parker, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Protective Tony Stark, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Whumptober 2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:34:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27002044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parkrstark/pseuds/parkrstark
Summary: He loses The Bad somewhere between the top of the roof and only feet from the concrete. In those few seconds after he loses The Bad, he's overwhelmed with The Good and the yearning to live for it.Whumptober day 14: (alternative prompt) falling
Relationships: Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Series: Whumptober 2020 [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1946683
Comments: 19
Kudos: 262





	how do you get that lonely (and nobody knows?)

**Author's Note:**

> Another vent already? Wow! Written a few days ago, but posted during a similar mood. So, it fits. 
> 
> Warning: suicidal thoughts, suicidal ideation, suicide attempt, depression, anxiety, jumping from a building, dislocated shoulder....if any of this triggers you, please click back on this one. Stay safe.

> "How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad?  
> To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all...  
> Is better than the life that you had?  
> How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go?  
> How do you get that lonely... and nobody knows?"
> 
> -How Do You Get That Lonely // Blaine Larsen

The thing about depression and anxiety and all those Bad Feelings, is that they're _always_ there. Even when he feels happy, they're there just waiting, watching. 

It's like they see he's having a good time, and they're okay with it because they're the ones that let him have this good time. He knows this. He knows they're in charge. 

He has no control over his feelings. He's at their mercy and most times, they are cruel. No, all times they are cruel. Because when it seems like they might be giving him a break, it's a lie. 

When he's happy, it's only a ruse. They're hiding somewhere deep in his mind, charging up, and waiting for the perfect time to jump out and scream "Boo!" 

Because they are always there and when they're ready to come out and play again, they're dangerous. They're mean.

Those are the nights that he climbs up high. Somewhere only he knows. Somewhere he won't be disturbed. Because even in the city that never sleeps, he can find someplace quiet, someplace he won't be noticed. 

The ignoring, that's easy enough. 

It's the quiet he can find in the world but not his own mind that sends him reeling. 

But he finds a spot and climbs to the top until he can't climb any further. This view is familiar, and it's different from the views he usually sees on patrol. The skyline is slanted, the buildings don't shine so bright, and there isn't a star to be seen. 

He goes closer to the edge, his toes peeking over the side and he stands there. The wind blows on his back, making his body sway. It feels like it's teasing him. Even the wind hates him. 

He stands there and tries to remember why he feels the wonder in his mind and the yearning in his stomach. 

He wonders what would happen if he were to let it all win: the depression, the anxiety, the wind...what if he just let go and _fell?_

He peers over the where, below his feet, where there's a whole lot of nothing going on. No one would even know. Not unless they bothered looking. 

As he continues to stare, his mind runs wild. It gives him bad thoughts he usually tries to ignore, but sometimes, he just can't. 

_Think of all the bad. Now!_

And he does. Every anxiety, fear, and disappointment comes to his mind. 

_I'm not enough Everyone hates me-- May, Mr. Stark, Ned, MJ, Flash I'm not happy I'll never be I fear too much I annoy people How do they even stand me I'd hate myself But they already do._

It's a whirlwind of Bad and it's drilling into his heart until his brain gives him an idea. 

_Jump._

He freezes, even though the idea makes me feel...calm. After a tense moment, he really considers his brain's suggestion. 

He's up high, high enough that it would kill him if he hit the ground. But even that thought doesn't scare him as much as the thoughts he already has do.

Death means gone and gone means quiet and quiet means peace. Peter craves nothing more in life than peace. 

He looks down and his mind is louder. Well, it has to be loud to talk over the constant bitter noise in his head all the time. 

It yells, screams: _DO IT._

He thinks about all of the Bad he has now and all of the Good he'll get when he does it. And that shoves him off the roof stronger than any gust of wind could.

He's falling and this isn't new. He's done this plenty of times, but it feels different. It feels different knowing there's nothing after. There's no churro before crawling into his window at the end of this patrol. 

But that's fine with him. 

He's escaping all that Bad. He barely thinks about it except for a little bit of _this_ fear. 

But again, totally worth it. Because Good is waiting for him after. 

He thinks of the Good to smother the fear and it all crashes into his mind as he squeezes his eyes shut. 

_May dancing around the kitchen as she sings so horribly off-key Ned spending hours building Lego after Lego with him Mr. Stark working by his side and showing him how to improve Happy taking him to a drive-thru after school and using different voices each time to make him laugh._

He loses The Bad somewhere between the top of the roof and only feet from the concrete. In those few seconds after he loses The Bad, he's overwhelmed with The Good and the yearning to live for it. 

Peter shoots his hand up and sends a string of webbing from his web-shooter. He doesn't think it's quick enough and he screws his eyes shut. He doesn't want to see how close he is to the concrete. 

Seconds later, he's in pain, but not because he smacked into the ground. His shoulder is on fire and Peter knows his webbing stuck because he just pulled his arm out of his socket.

It's enough to stop him from becoming a pancake, but it isn't enough to completely stop himself. He still rolls against the cement a few times before he comes to a stop. He can feel the burn on his face and chest, but neither of that hurts more than his shoulder. 

And even that doesn't hurt as much as the realization of what he just tried doing does. 

He lays there on the ground, cradling his arm to his chest. He stares up at the building he just threw himself off of. It's a little nauseating to see how far he was. And even though it's blurry from his teary eyes, he can see the stars now. They're faint, but they're still there. They were always there burning bright, even when he couldn't see them.

Peter pushes himself up with a pained groan, trying his best not to move his arm too much. He's a long way from home, especially when he can't swing, but he starts his walk. 

His walk is made longer by fans that stop him in the street for pictures and autographs. Luckily for both New Yorkers and Peter, no one needs his help along the way. He just has to act like nothing's wrong when he talks to fans, and hopes they don't notice the way his arm hangs against his side.

He makes it to Tony's tower just after 3 in the morning. He's not supposed to be out right now, and usually when he sneaks around, he doesn't let Tony know because then Tony tells May and he gets in trouble. 

But right now, he _needs_ Tony. 

So he enters the lobby and the nightguard lets him up without an issue because, of course, Spider-Man has access to the Tower. 

Once in the elevator, FRIDAY says, _"Good evening, little boss. It's a little late to be out on a school night."_

Peter doesn't respond to her tone. "Is Tony awake?" 

_"No, would you like me to wake him?"_

He shouldn't because Peter is already a bother and he doesn't want to bother him more. But for once, he doesn't want to deal with all of this alone. 

"Please," Peter says. "I'm hurt."

" _Meet Boss in the medbay and I'll have him hurry. I don't detect an emergency, am I wrong?"_

Peter hesitates, and considers this an emergency...the thoughts in his mind berating him for not finishing the job. But he doesn't want to startle him. "No emergency, but it still hurts." 

And it does. His arm and his heart. 

_"Alright."_

She's quiet as Peter takes the elevator to the medbay floor and sits at a bed, waiting for Tony. And even though Peter claimed it isn't an emergency, Tony comes rushing in like it is. 

He's half asleep, dressed in flannel pajama pants and a black tank. But his eyes are alert when he looks over at Peter. "Peter, what the hell? Are you okay?" 

Peter doesn't move his hand from his arm and debates on what he should say. He settles on, "I fell and webbed too late." 

Tony is by his side and his panicked eyes scan over Peter's body. "Dislocated shoulder?" 

Peter nods his head. 

"Alright, I'll fix it. I'm going to count to 5, okay?" Tony takes his shoulder in his hands, ready to shove Peter's arm back in place. He counts out loud to 2 before he moves and Peter can't help the yelp he let out. 

It feels better to have it back in place, but the burning doesn't make it any easier to hold back the tears he's been struggling with. Thankfully, he still has his suit on, so Tony can't see. 

"Before I ask you what the hell you were doing out so late, are there any other injuries I should know about?" 

Peter shakes his head. 

Then Tony's worry is replaced with sterness. "Take off the suit."

Peter doesn't argue because he doesn't want to. He doesn't have the strength to put up a fight. He smacks the spider emblem and the suit sags around him. Then he tugs off the mask and throws it aside. 

Tony's eyes search his face and Peter wonders what he can see. He can probably see how weak he is. 

"Your face is scraped. So is your chest." 

"S'just from where I rolled on the ground in the landing." 

Tony sounds dubious. "Right. Your fall." He walks away and comes back with a small first aid kit. His touch is gentle as he starts cleaning the wounds on his chest. "Wanna tell me why I didn't get a notification from Karen when you got hurt?" 

"I shut her off." 

Tony's hand pauses only for a brief second. "Why?" 

"I knew she would stop me." 

"From sneaking out?" 

Peter hesitates on an answer that would only be half correct, but says it anyway, "Yeah." 

"You know you're not supposed to be out this late," Tony says and Peter can already tell he's getting his speech about curfew ready. Peter doesn't need it though. 

"Tony, I fell."

Tony looks up when he says his first name and he pauses his bandaging. His voice is soft. "I know, Pete. Did you hit your head hard?"

Tony doesn't get it. Peter wants him to so he doesn't have to say it out loud. Peter isn't sure he can. "I fell because I jumped." 

Tony works hard to decipher his words and Peter can tell when he realizes _what_ he means. His eyes widen and he pulls his hand back. "You jumped." 

Peter feels his eyes burning again. "I-It was a loud night. A bad night. I just wanted it to stop." 

"Peter…"

"And I got up high and I stood there because I always stand there and just imagine it, y’know. But I never actually _do_ it. But tonight I did, Mr. Stark. I jumped and I fell and I was so _scared."_

Tony drops what he was holding and immediately pulls Peter in for a hug, wrapping his arms around him tightly. He doesn't say a word as Peter starts to sob. 

"I s-shot a web before it was too late because I realized I wanted to live. I didn't want to die."

"Thank you," Tony says, his own voice sounds strained as he holds back his own tears. "Thank you for catching yourself." 

"I'm still...mad that I didn't," Peter admits even though it doesn't make sense. "My mind is furious that I failed." 

Tony pulls away and cups his cheeks in his hands, using his thumbs to wipe away the tears. "You did the right thing. I promise." 

"But it's so loud again and I really just wanted quiet. I just wanted to rest and I thought…" _I thought killing myself was the best way to get it._

"We can tone it down in there, bud," Tony says quickly. "We can figure out how to make it quiet. I did it for your senses, right? Noises were too loud and lights were too bright. I figured out how to help with it." 

Peter nodded his head, watching a tear fall down Tony's cheek. He was crying _for him_ when Peter thought he didn't even care. 

"I can quiet things for your mind too then. I can fix it, Pete. I promise." 

"H-how?" Tony can fix a lot of things, but Peter's brain...that was a broken mess. Maybe even too broken for Tony. 

"We'll get help. We'll talk to someone that knows this stuff. We'll tell them it's too loud and you want it quiet and--." 

"I don't-- it's so embarrassing!" Peter says, remembering how it felt to lay on the ground afterwards. 

"No," Tony argues. "It's not. At all. You're struggling. Everyone does in one way or another. We're going to get you help first thing tomorrow." 

"Don't tell May," Peter begs weakly. She'd be so disappointed. 

"I'm sorry, bud, but I can't keep this secret." Tony looks apologetic. "I'll call her tomorrow morning and let her know you stayed the night, but we have to tell her why." 

"I don't t-think I can," Peter looks away from Tony, unsure of how he even told him. 

"I can tell her if you want. Whatever is easiest for you." Tony tries to smile but it doesn't look right. "We're in this together, Pete." 

"I'm sorry," Peter whispers, feeling suddenly drained. 

"No. You're not apologizing. You came home to us. That's all we want. You asked for help and we're going to help you." Tony pulled him in for another hug and pressed a kiss to the side of his head. 

Peter leans into his hold. 

"How about we get you some comfy clothes to wear and we watch a movie maybe? Unless you want to try sleeping." 

Peter knows he won't be falling asleep soon, no matter how exhausted he is. Just because he realized he doesn't want to die doesn't mean the emptiness is gone. "Can we sit on the balcony and look at the stars?"

Tony hesitates as if he's not sure about letting Peter near a balcony after he just threw himself off of one. But he nods after a pregnant pause. "Sure, Pete. Let's go." 

Tony doesn't leave him alone even to get dressed. He stands in the corner with his face to the wall as Peter gets dressed. He stands outside the open bathroom door as Peter takes care of himself before stepping out.

He doesn't blame Tony for being wary. Peter hardly trusts himself with himself. 

But even with Tony's obvious babysitting that is only the start to it all, he holds him close on the balcony and whispers, "I'm proud of you, Peter." 

Now it's hard to believe, but one day, he will.

Because no matter how dark it may feel sometimes when he can't see the stars, they're still there shining bright, waiting for him. 

**Author's Note:**

> I do this thing where when I feel really low I close my eyes, imagining myself climbing a ladder to a tall skyscraper and as I'm climbing I focus on all that bad in my mind and make sure it's there. And then I jump and as I fall I let it go. I let myself let it out and the tension fades, even if only temporarily.  
> Is it healthy? Doubt it. But is it better than self harm? Sure is!
> 
> Anyway, if you're feeling like I do, please know that it will get better for us. I know there's a reason for us to fight through all this pain. You have to live to see it though. You won't always be this sad and hopeless. It's going to be okay. You matter to your friends and family and even the people you haven't met yet.


End file.
